Tag Archives: shapeshifting reptilian humanoids

They’re watching.

So I promised a post last night and I didn’t do it.  I watched the X-Files instead.

DO ME FOX

DO ME FOX

I am so so so sorry that I neglected my cyber-duties (Haha.  Duty.) but that brings me to talk about what this Tuesday (erm, Wednesday) post will be about:

CONSPIRACY THEORIES.

Dunundundunnnnn.

I love them.  I think they are hilarious.  Daddy was telling me the other day that a member of one of his favorite bands was interviewed recently and talked about the secret world government and how we’re all being mind-controlled.  YES.  WE SO ARE.  No, we’re not.  But this shit is AWESOME.  Who comes up with these things?  Seriously?  There are BOOKS about the New World Order, something my friend’s father believes in.  Another friend’s fiancé for real thinks the world is ending in 2012 (really, he does).

The real story starts last year when I was lucky enough to have a class schedule that optimized my ridiculous TV watching addiction. One day I googled something I saw on one of the Discovery Channel’s early afternoon timeslots (only weirdos like me watch this shit) entitled “Best Evidence,” a show dedicated to giving more hype to retarded conspiracy theories. Anyway, I googled and came up with the infamous alien autopsy video. Oh yes. That one. At that time, there was another video in the little “related videos” section, with a name to the effect of “SHAPESHIFTING REPTILIAN HUMANOID POPE.” Uh, what? Oh yes. It is true.

There is ACTUALLY and theory that the world is being RUN by shapeshifting reptilian humanoids! AHHHH. Bush is one. The Pope is one. PRINCESS DIANA WAS ONE. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. 9/11 was orchestrated by them.

It’s like we’re in a matrix run by LIZARDS.

are you threatened?  ARE YOU?

Are you threatened? ARE YOU?

And to make this shit even better, Carleson and I decided to make a Facebook group dedicated to satirizing this theory. It is patently obvious to us and to people we like and respect that it is a total joke. Originally, the members were mainly comprised of our friends, but then… I hadn’t checked it in months and I went to look at it and it had 100+ members, all of which were FIRM BELIEVERS.

JESUS SAID IT SO IT MUST BE TRUE

JESUS SAID IT SO IT MUST BE TRUE

I love this shit. I absolutely love it. I wonder if one day some people got really fucking stoned and decided to start a rumor that the world was being ruled by lizards. Maybe they were watching Invader Zim or something. That is how these things catch on, you know. Someone makes a bet to tell the biggest lie and before they know it, it becomes a cult. Oh wait, that’s not lizards–that’s Scientology. Lulz.

Anyway, I truly love conspiracy theories.  I would be so bored without them.  I would be forced to pay attention to real news.  And possibly worst of all, if there were no conspiracy theories… THERE WOULD BE NO X-FILES.

Watch the X-Files.  It’s the American Way.

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