My ideal bike would come complete with a foghorn.

So it’s been a while.  Apparently senior year is busy?  I didn’t get the memo. I’m not here to apologize for going MIA though.

Not that MIA.

Not that MIA.

What I really want to talk about is bicycles.  Living on a small, private, liberal arts school campus means everyone has bikes and that the sadly bike-free have to suffer the arduous walk, stumbling around for three extra minutes that could otherwise be saved by exerting more physical effort and having to worry about storing a giant metal object before strolling in to class.

I don’t really have a problem with bikes themselves, as they are a super exercise option and sometimes you look kinda cool on them.

My problem resides with the douches who ride them.  I’m a walker.  I walk to class every day.  And every day I almost get run down by some douche on a bicycle.  They think that since they have stellar mountain bikes that means they can cut corners and speed past, missing me by maybe four inches.  Good god.  It’s even worse if they’re behind you, because you can only hear them right before you narrowly escape bodily harm and it’s scary as fuck.

What gets me is it’s always some bro’d out guy wearing a NorthFace fleece and sunglasses attatched to his head with a string.  Is this the uniform of douchey bike riders?  I have never ever seen a stoner zoom by on his double-wheeled contraption. Hmm.

A nice Halloween costume for a douchey bike rider

A nice Halloween costume for a douchey bike rider

I’m also tired of bike riders complaining of a lack of bike storage on campus (since we aren’t allowed to have them in the outdoor hallways in our apartment buildings or on our porches.  Fire hazard.).  If one more kid whines about how his beautiful thousand dollar bike is going to get rusted if it has to be chained up in the rain, I will murder someone.  Bikes have waterproof coatings on them.  They aren’t going  to rust. Plus you keep oil on all the moving parts so even if it did rust it wouldn’t be irreparable or inconvenient.  Rust.  Bitch, please.




Filed under bikes, general

8 responses to “My ideal bike would come complete with a foghorn.

  1. John

    Shows how much you, a self-confessed non-cyclist, knows about bikes! Bikes can and do rust, pretty easily. Even a well-oiled bike chain can go rusty overnight if rained on. The lubricants used on them are fairly thin and are fairly easily washed off by heavy rain.

    Then you have all the steel bolts – and there are lots of them – that go rusty. Especially allen bolts. They are a pain in the arse to clean.

    Also, bicycle frames have holes in them (they have to have holes in them to let out the hot air while they’re being welded, or they’ll explode). When it rains, especially during torrential downpour, water often gets into these holes and ends up inside the frame and in contact with the bottom bracket bearings. This is particular problem with steel frames which may rust out from the inside.

    Besides all that, it’s not nice having to ride on a soaking wet seat.

    By the way… articulated lorries are ‘giant metal objects’. Bicycles are actually quite small.


  3. Oyaji

    Dear M…eghan,

    Your blog is, as the kids say, sweet. I would totally stalk you except I’m old enough to be your… whatever… older sexy uncle.

    For what it’s worth, the point is not rust, or lack thereof, it’s douchiness. It’s a sideWALK, not a sideBIKE. FUCK.

    That world of warcraft piece nearly made me soil myself, too. Nice work.

  4. T.O.Cyclist

    To sum up your worthless rant that steriotypes all bikers I will give you this hypothetical.

    Your walking across a street when you are hit by:

    A) A fully loaded SUV, including moronic soccer mom.
    B) A mid-size car with a apathetic driver wailing on his cellular device.
    C) A “douchey” fleece and shade wearing “bro” biker.

    Oh yea its a by-law not to have a bell on your bike so as you may have a point about the quietness of the bike maybe you should reserve your mis-aimed rant for THE ACTUAL PEOPLE THAT ALMOST HIT YOU ON THE STREET. They are doing something illegal, be informed not a dim brat.

    I am a cyclist and am not represented in this article.

  5. Chill out. This blog is not entitled, “Completely Educated and Infallible Arguments Against Random Shit (That I Thought A Lot About).” Bitch rants are bitch rants. Do yours have sources, footnotes and a bibliography? Mmhmm.

    And just because you’re saving the environment or whatever doesn’t mean you and your kind are untouchable. So you may not be a douchey biker. Awesome. Where I live, there is a surplus of douchey bikers. Maybe you should start representing yourself a little better, maybe give your crowd a better name.

    Also, I don’t often find myself wandering into the path of speeding SUVs or mid-size sedans. However, assholes on bikes are everywhere (where I am, maybe not you) and they don’t have to stick to the roads, like cars. Me: sticks to sidewalks most of the time. Cars: in the street. Bikes: both. So which one is really more dangerous to my personal health? Bikes.

    Also, I am not alone:

    My god! Your lifestyle affects my lifestyle in a way that I don’t enjoy! CALL THE MEDIA, THIS IS HUGE NEWS. I thought everyone lived together in harmony. Isn’t that what Harry Potter taught us? Fuck, I bet Voldemort rolled with a magic fucking bike. With racing stripes.

  6. cory

    You wasting your time bitching about people bitching about bikes makes my day.

    Get a life and maybe you wouldn’t be so mad over the little things. a daily blog ..haha fuckin loser.

  7. Great post, I didn’t thought this was going to be so cool when I read the link.

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