I have a hangover. I just chugged three yoo-hoos. I think I like things in list form. Simple. I promise I can form complex sentences. Here we go. These are the seven things I love about Miley Cyrus:
7) Her teeth. They are just so amazingly large.
6) Her wigs. Who knew the platinum blonde Hannah Montana was really the brunette Miley? Shocker to the world, especially during her concerts which feature both the musical acts of Hannah and Miley. Separately. As in, an hour of Hannah Montana and then an hour of Miley Cyrus. Maybe with some Jonas Brothers thrown in there somewhere. Oh, parents will apparently murder to get tickets to these double feature concerts. … I’m now even more thankful that I don’t have a thirteen year old daughter. I mean, that would be fucked up. I would have been pregnant at age eight.
5) Her father, Billy Ray Cyrus. How can anyone not love him? He has an achy breaky heart. Oooh, his achy breaky heart. And their relationship is creepy as fuck, which leads me to number four:
4) That Vanity Fair photoshoot. In case you have all forgotten or are living under a rock, this picture raised quite the scandal.
The nation was shocked by the bare back of a 15 year old girl. Apparently this picture encourages pedophilia or something. Now, I am not saying that I necessarily approve of the photoshoot or anything, because honestly I don’t care. I just don’t see how a picture of a 15 year old girl displaying her back in possibly the least sexy way I have ever seen someone’s back be displayed, while at the same time looking like an unwashed undead coke addict, could really be that huge of a deal. But that’s just me. The picture I have an issue with is the one with her father.
Seriously? I am just so grossed out by this image that I had to share it with you. That dude is her father. She is 15. What. The. Fuck. It looks like a toned down Harlequin Romance novel cover. Billy Ray is the Scottish rebel who kidnapped the beautiful daughter of his enemy, only to find her stubborn recklessness to be remarkably enticing. Ew. Ewewewewewew. My brain is too cloudy to really process this so I’ll leave it at that.
3) Her voice is almost as manly as Scarlett Johansson’s. Maybe she and Justin Timberlake should switch vocal chords.
2) Her first single, “See You Again,” is a blatant ripoff of Corey Hart’s “I Wear My Sunglasses At Night.” Her second single, entitled “7 things,” is like that one scene from the movie 10 Things I Hate About You except really really shitty and lacking a quality melody. Look up the video for it, it’s hiiiilarious.
And finally, the thing I most love about dearest Miley Cyrus…
1) One day, our heroine Miley Cyrus decided to take some sexy myspace photos of herself with her iPhone. We all have. It’s a natural response. You finally receive that beloved piece of mind-reading technology and your first impluse? Take some sexy sexy pictures. The thing is, we’re not 15, nor are we famous, so no one cares about our amateur pornography schemes on our cell phones. Turns out, some brilliant paparazzo hacked into Miley’s iPhone and published the pictures on the internets! Oh, Disney. I can feel your regret spreading like a slow-killing airborne chemically-produced virus for which there is no cure. Walt is rolling in his grave. Actually, he’s been on a spit ever since someone in the Disney offices uttered the words, Little Mermaid 2. How long until Miley is arrested for possession of crack or spiking her frappuchino with tequila? I mean, I would. Wouldn’t you?