7 things I love about Miley Cyrus

I have a hangover.  I just chugged three yoo-hoos.  I think I like things in list form.  Simple.   I promise I can form complex sentences.  Here we go.  These are the seven things I love about Miley Cyrus:

7) Her teeth.  They are just so amazingly large.

6) Her wigs.  Who knew the platinum blonde Hannah Montana was really the brunette Miley?  Shocker to the world, especially during her concerts which feature both the musical acts of Hannah and Miley.  Separately.  As in, an hour of Hannah Montana and then an hour of Miley Cyrus.  Maybe with some Jonas Brothers thrown in there somewhere.  Oh, parents will apparently murder to get tickets to these double feature concerts.  … I’m now even more thankful that I don’t have a thirteen year old daughter. I mean, that would be fucked up.  I would have been pregnant at age eight.

5) Her father, Billy Ray Cyrus.  How can anyone not love him?  He has an achy breaky heart.  Oooh, his achy breaky heart.  And their relationship is creepy as fuck, which leads me to number four:

4) That Vanity Fair photoshoot.  In case you have all forgotten or are living under a rock, this picture raised quite the scandal.

Is she hungover as well?

Is she hungover as well?

The nation was shocked by the bare back of a 15 year old girl.  Apparently this picture encourages pedophilia or something.  Now, I am not saying that I necessarily approve of the photoshoot or anything, because honestly I don’t care.  I just don’t see how a picture of a 15 year old girl displaying her back in possibly the least sexy way I have ever seen someone’s back be displayed, while at the same time looking like an unwashed undead coke addict, could really be that huge of a deal.  But that’s just me.  The picture I have an issue with is the one with her father.

Sure, well go to the Aquarium right after I finish whoring you out to the media.

Sure, we'll go to the Aquarium right after I finish whoring you out to the media.

Seriously?  I am just so grossed out by this image that I had to share it with you.  That dude is her father.  She is 15.  What. The. Fuck.  It looks like a toned down Harlequin Romance novel cover.  Billy Ray is the Scottish rebel who kidnapped the beautiful daughter of his enemy, only to find her stubborn recklessness to be remarkably enticing.  Ew.  Ewewewewewew.  My brain is too cloudy to really process this so I’ll leave it at that.

3) Her voice is almost as manly as Scarlett Johansson’s.  Maybe she and Justin Timberlake should switch vocal chords.

2) Her first single, “See You Again,” is a blatant ripoff of Corey Hart’s “I Wear My Sunglasses At Night.”  Her second single, entitled “7 things,” is like that one scene from the movie 10 Things I Hate About You except really really shitty and lacking a quality melody.   Look up the video for it, it’s hiiiilarious.

And finally, the thing I most love about dearest Miley Cyrus…

Were I a man, I would really enjoy looking at pictures of underdeveloped teenage girls.

1) One day, our heroine Miley Cyrus decided to take some sexy myspace photos of herself with her iPhone.  We all have.  It’s a natural response.  You finally receive that beloved piece of mind-reading technology and your first impluse?  Take some sexy sexy pictures.  The thing is, we’re not 15, nor are we famous, so no one cares about our amateur pornography schemes on our cell phones.  Turns out, some brilliant paparazzo hacked into Miley’s iPhone and published the pictures on the internets!  Oh, Disney.  I can feel your regret spreading like a slow-killing airborne chemically-produced virus for which there is no cure.  Walt is rolling in his grave.  Actually, he’s been on a spit ever since someone in the Disney offices uttered the words, Little Mermaid 2.  How long until Miley is arrested for possession of crack or spiking her frappuchino with tequila?  I mean, I would.  Wouldn’t you?




Filed under celebrities

15 responses to “7 things I love about Miley Cyrus

  1. onna

    this blog is deliciously deviant. are you trying to uproot perez as queen of the media? so far you are doing a fantastic job.

    miley cyrus is the little princess of prosti-tots. i miss the days when little girls’ role models were not destroyed via naked photos on tabloid covers. belle never let me down. she liked books. and hairy men.

    and look how i turned out…

  2. Hahaha thanks boo. I know, I miss Belle too. I wish the Disney franchise wasn’t destroying itself from the inside out by a) things like Miley Cyrus and b) trying to recreate the golden days with a plethora of sequels and poor-quality toys. Sad. Day.

  3. sarah

    okay, that picture of miley with her dad is just down right creepy. seriously? thank you for highlighting the once again failures of Disney. don’t get me wrong, i loved my Zenon back in the day, but the Jonas brothers and Miley/Hannah Montana/Cyrus craze is OUT of control. what are these kids going to do when they grow up? if they have a bad day, are they going to put on a wig and act like a different person? yes. then they can put their ipods in and drown themselves in old boy band balads… i know i do.

  4. Zenon! Girl of the 21st Century! I loved that movie. I even liked Disney up through Hilary Duff, she still seems to have kept her nose clean, which is more than the rest of the Disney teenage protogées can say.

  5. Dirt Nasty

    So this weekend I recently found myself mistaking a couple of 15-16 y/o girls as my age, and I inadvertently checked them out. Luckily, my brother pointed out my error before I became a real creeper. But it raises the whole issue of why such young girls are dressing like skanks. I mean….can you even call those shorts or does that just classify as denim underwear? Thank you, Miley Cyrus.

  6. Ethan

    pure genius

    If I was this witty during my hangovers, I’d be chugging tequila’d frappuchinos 24/7…

  7. Zach

    seriously who cares if shes taking a picture in her undies..shes not naked..shes just a normal everyday girl..if the girl next door did that it wouldnt be a big deal, but when someone famous does it its a sin and they should be killed…and miley will your marry me?

  8. Danny

    Zach, mate, if Miley Cyrus represents an everyday normal girl to you.. shit. I don’t even have a witty comment to reply to that with.

    Go pick a random girl off the street and observe is she has huge media backing, money out of her ass, and the attitude to match. I wish you like.

    You also seem to be unable to grasp what her role in society is. As stated above, Cyrus is a model for young girls everywhere and when she acts like such a whore it sends out the wrong kind of message yea? The girl next door most likely got the ideals off teenage tits like her.

  9. beth

    I love her no matter what she looks lovely in all and every photo taken. She has an amazung voice i just love her

  10. Kudos. These are my thoughts exactly on Miley, now who wants to take bets on when she becomes annerexic and decides to do a full page spread in playboy?
    Honestly what posses me off more is that my young sibblibgs and cousins look up to this nutjob and so do tons of other children, the damage she may cause is irreversable and widespread.

  11. Scot Parker

    Well, in defense of Billy Ray…
    Of course he had no idea what impression that photo would have. The photographer says, “do this, do that”… and ‘click’ goes the camera. The photo looks creepy but I don’t think we can really blame Billy Ray for that. The fact that father and daughter have so much love for each other is a great thing; why wouldn’t it be?

  12. are you sure your not just a little jealous that the prepubescent daughter of the man that scarred our collective psyche with ‘achy breaky heart’ garners so much attention for no good reason?

    wow. that was a long sentence.

    Don’t get me wrong. I’m right there with you… She ranks up there with the hillary duffs and paris hiltons of the world… the so called entertainment industry…

  13. I hate blogs. I love yours. Totally true every single word about Miley. Got yourself a fan here.

  14. Thank you. I didn’t realize that Miley had already gone down the tubes. I was, in fact, wondering when it would happen when, earlier this summer, she had a magazine interview with “I want to be a positive roll model” on the cover. I was about to post a rant similar to this on my Myspace blog (this put me on to it: http://www.newsweek.com/id/162792?GT1=43001) But I don’t feel I have to now. 🙂 😛

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