World of War–man, getting my dick sucked is not fun. I’ll go have a LAN party–Craft.

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I’ll start this one on a positive note.  The only good thing about the MMO game World of

They're at a LAN party in someone's mother's basement, while she is upstairs making them pizza rolls in the microwave. How kind.

Warcraft is that it’s like natural selection.  It does me and the rest of the female population of this world a huge favor–it clearly distributes men directly into the “unfuckable” category.  That way, we can ensure that their sperm never interacts with our ovaries, and thus we don’t really have to worry about children being born already equipped with a dependency on Mountain Dew, Pop Tarts and Little Caesar’s 5 dollar pizza.  Although I suppose that might make feeding them a little cheaper (by the way, I will admit that I love all three of those foods.  Separately, and only every couple of days.  Okay, Pop Tarts are acceptable every day.  Whatever).

Anyway.  World of motherfucking Warcraft.  I once had a boyfriend who basically gave up his life to this game.  And what’s even cuter?  His username was an adorable corruption of the word “marijuana.”  So now all the ladies know that he sucks because a) he plays WoW and b) it’s a fair assumption that he’s smoked away whatever usefulness he might have had left.    (P——, if you’re reading this don’t get angry, you were completely aware of my feelings on the subject).  I remember one morning he woke me up and dragged me to his computer, sat me down on his lap and showed me around Azeroth (for the blissfully unaware, Azeroth is the “world” in which WoW is set).  HOW ROMANTIC.  “Hey baby, let me show you my digs… they’re pixelized, on this computer.  But I have three monitors so you can see EVERYTHING!  Now here, have a nice tall cold one–no not a delicious beer, I have a mini-refridgerator stocked with cans upon cans of Mountain Dew.  Doesn’t that take the edge of the day off?  Shh shh baby, it’s okay… we can cuddle after I finish my quest.  It’s important, I have to get to the Queen of Blah Blah with the magic crystal that I found in such and such a cave, after I fought off hundreds of fire-breathing orcs.  Aren’t you proud of your big strong man?”

Absolutely NOT.  I mean… I am almost at a loss for words here, people.  How can anyone defend WoW as a game that encourages social activity and mental stimulation?  These players sit in a dark room, hooked up to an IV of Mountain Dew and staring so hard at their computer that they need a new glasses prescription every three months (and they all wear glasses.  They do).  They justify the inherent lack of physical human interaction because apparently chatting with people through your headset as you go off and raid something that DOESN’T EXIST still counts as quality time spent with others.

I don’t trust people who say they only play WoW sometimes.  You can’t.  The design of the game is such that if you don’t get sucked in almost immediately and join a guild and schedule meetings and work around your WoW playing time, then you basically aren’t really playing the game.  You’re just walking about shooting shit and designing your outfit.  Where’s the fun in that?  HMMM?

Did you people know that you have to PAY for the privilege of playing World of Warcraft?  Well, you do.  Not only does it quickly destroy any chance of a social life you may once have had, but it leaves its cloven hoofprint on your bank account as well.  I mean, I think it’s like 15 bucks a month or so, which isn’t that bad, but still.  That’s 15 dollars you could have spent on a bottle of tequila, which if shared with the right person would have for sure guaranteed the no-pants dance.  Sharing a game of WoW?  Completely eliminates any chance anyone will want to touch your no-no square.

Obviously, players of WoW do not posess what we real-life inhabitants like to call cause/effect rationality.  You might have heard the cliché, “he can’t see past the end of his nose.”  Well WoW fanatics can’t see anything, because their habitats are completely blacked out to only allow light emitted from their computer screens.  They’re slowly becoming Gollum.  Mmyyyy precccioousss woooorld of waaaarcraaaft.  Yep.  Mark my words, one day WoW players will be like the 17 year cicada, only emerging from their holes once every 17 years to rob convenience stores of Mountain Dew and Pop Tarts, only to disappear again.  I cannot wait.

-Meghan

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